Dearest Incoming Rethugs,
A few months ago Change came to our country. Anxious Progressives freed the suspected terrorists, plunged our country into massive debt, and elected Perez Hilton as a questioner in the Miss American Pageant. And now, we find ourselves in the midst of a liberal (arts) college. How can a Conservative possibly survive in this type of environment?
Consider this page your crash course in being a Conservative at Wabash College. By following these six simple steps, standing out from the leagues of Obamanites (I mean, the majority) will be easier than stealing a recount in Minnesota. Who knows? Your sincerity may even land you a spot in this year’s Bachelor Bucket List!
Stand tall, denizens of Faux Noise: The bell has rung and your college years have begun.
1. Learn to worship Bob Dylan. (Priority-wise, Dylan should fall way under God, slightly above the free-market, but not above Reagan. NEVER above Reagan!) As Conservatives, it is our job to run as far from innovation as possible. Our music should be no different: By embracing traditional 1960s music, we are holding true to our mantra of no new ideas.
For those wondering, it is anyone’s guess why at Wabash one’s level of Conservatism is directly proportional to one’s fanaticism towards Bob Dylan. (Yes, he is still alive. I saw him in July.) Maybe it’s an unspoken reason why Wabash is so special. I encourage you to research an openly Conservative alumnus and professor who wrote a book about Dylan and his conversion to Christianity. As a personal testimony, the closer I came to know Dylan, the closer I came to know Conservatism.
2. Admit your criticisms on evolution early. For some reason, Darwinists panic and act increasingly indignant when you admit that you do not buy evolution. (Ironic since, if they are right about God not existing, one’s non-belief in Darwinism doesn’t matter. At all.) Trust me: As a proud Young Earther, I have made more people squirm in two years than I graduated high school with. Go ahead: Say it aloud right now! The more time to make people squirm, the better!
I know, I know: I’m scientifically ignorant. And the Daily KOS leans Right. Admitting your views on evolution early will guarantee an abundance of petty name calling, pitting those who are religious about science against those who are religious about religion. People will remember you after stating that a loving God created man. (And yes, I believe man-made global warming is a scam.)
3. Be an isolationist. When you finally admit to being a Bible-loving, Dylan-worshiping, scientifically ignorant Conservative, you will not be invited to parties. This will leave your weekends free to listen to Dylan, while reading Genesis and contemplating Ron Paul.
So what does one do as an isolationist? The answer is simple: Nothing. Take responsibility for your own stuff and act only when attacked. Examples might include launching a massive Martindale-wide email war when discovering a decimeter of hair adorning the bathroom sinks, but it’s not like I’m admitting guilt. Bottom line: Keep to yourself and you might escape email wars.
4. Admit you listen to Rush Limbaugh. This is a fun one! When talking about Rush Limbaugh, you will encounter a select group of people who have never listened to his show, yet foam at the very utterance of his name. They will immediately start hurling hateful insults about his prior drug addiction and lecture you on why Latinos won’t vote Republican. (Rush did drugs after a surgery? Since when have celebrities done drugs?!)
Okay, I lied: This will not make you stand out at all. It will only entertain you when MSNBC isn’t slandering Sarah Palin.
5. Question President Obama. Now when I say ‘question’, I do NOT mean catch a case of Obama Derangement Syndrome (ODS) like Sean Hannity. By question, I mean the exact same thing that liberals considered the highest form of patriotism for eight years; the same thing that is now considered treasonous under liberal reign.
It’s funny how quickly Americans forget the past. Not two years ago, the same Liberals in power (now) were the ones spewing vile bits of verbiage at the President, insisting that being hypercritical was for the good of the country. Not long ago, MSNBC talking heads went ballistic every night, calling the President a fascist, accusing him of defecating all over the Constitution, comparing him to Hitler, and calling for his resignation. (Keith Olbermann slam goes here.) Oh well.
But let me clarify: As long as our nation remains debt-free, the House and Senate have 60 Republican votes, Obama doesn’t apologize for America, and our economy is roaring like in the 20s and 90s (right before the Depression), all will be well.
6. Join the Conservative Union: We are the friendliest bunch of bigots you will ever meet.
Welcome to Wabash.
