The Boost I Needed: Parents’ Financial Stimulus Saves Summer
I could not find a job this summer. It was terrible. Countless applications and nothing for it. All three got turned down. Fortunately I have loving parents. When I gave up looking for a job they told me not to worry about it; after all, it was up to them to help me out of my crisis. My dad had never had a whole lot of experience helping me out of crises, but I knew I could count on him because he had organized the neighborhood block party for the last three years and those parties had always rocked.
One afternoon Dad put on his best European scarf and talked my situation over with the people from around the neighborhood. Together they developed a surefire plan that would deliver me from my job problems. If I could just get started with some solid fiscal security, they figured, that could be all I needed to get my feet off the ground. One man suggested that maybe a $3,000 shot from my parents straight into my checking account would do just the trick. The others disagreed. They raised the number to nine thousand. Still others roared for more. “Fifteen thousand!” they shouted. “It’s a lot”, they said, “but it’s absolutely necessary.” My dad was unsure at first. He knew that if he did that for me, he’d have to do it for my two brothers and the three manatees he sponsored through PETA as well. He also knew that he was already deep in debt from turning our home green earlier in the year. But the others had already done the math. “You can think about those things later. Your child doesn’t deserve to have your burdens placed over him. We have to remember the children.”
In the meantime I was still languishing in my misery, stuck on the couch unable to find a job. One afternoon my dad interrupted my daily leisure. “Danny, we need to have a heart to heart.” He told me that he and my mother had thought it over, and they were prepared to give me a summer stimulus that would boost me past all my financial worries. They had taken out a loan and would give me $10,000, split up into three equal portions of $4,000 each (he had been audited the previous year for similar bookkeeping skills).
One third I had to use for transportation costs to and from my future job; another third I was to use toward improving my networking skills; and the last third I was told to invest in the local economy. This was just what I was hoping for. I said thanks in a heartbeat. “Just sign here and it’s all yours! But”, he added, “understand that some minor restrictions will apply.” He then gave me a report 1100 pages long, detailing precisely how I was to use his money. I mean, my money.
A few excerpts: From page 8: “The automobile in which you choose to travel must meet all standard EPA qualifications; have a five-star safety rating; average 70 mpg or higher; be made in Germany; have a dark leather interior; and must have a velocity regulator that restricts the driver from traveling speeds greater than 45 mph. Also, this vehicle is not to be driven further than 75 miles from home, and never without parental supervision. The insurance for this car will be provided (because we care), but all costs of upkeep will be charged to you. This vehicle must use only alternative fuels. Finally, this vehicle must be purchased by the end of next week.”
From page 643: “By the end of the summer you must have 150 volunteer hours with the ACLU; you also must have built a playground out of recycled shoes and rescued 30 baby seals.”
And from page 1100: “By the way, you must also play soccer.”
And on the back cover, in small print: “(For the next forty years you will be charged $200 weekly rent, utilities not included. This is to offset your total health care and educational costs, which will be covered by your mother and me. We love you, son, and we’re so glad to have you in our family.)”
Needless to say, here at the end of summer I am in debt, my father is in debt, and I still do not have a job.
But at least I get to go to DePauw for free.
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