Confessions and Reflections of a Graduating Senior

Editor’s Note: Mr. Current suffered a head injury during the writing of this article.  He now votes Democrat.

Disclaimer: My editor begged seniors for reflections, and I protested by submitting a satirical stream of consciousness. This was doubtless an epic product of senioritis. And a concussion, but that’s another story entirely. As for content, I quote Nancy Pelosi: “We have to pass the [Healthcare] bill so that you can find out what is in it.”

1. Wabash College has taught me but two things: How to learn and how truly little I know. And in a society that adores mindless memorization and stupefying specialization, regardless of my immediate job prospects, I will leave this institution far richer than I ever dreamed.
2. 47-0 is for Wabash College the inverse of 911. For Seniors, a 2-2 record means we experienced the Monon Bell from all ends of the emotional spectrum, one game forever seared in our memories. 47-0: the year DePauw Swallowed.
3. Withstanding the country clubbers—i.e., the Dannies—DePauw students aren’t that bad. Truth be told, I had the fortune of drinking with a few students before Bell, and they weren’t as dull as we claim. Like it or not, we have more in common with them than IU or PU.
4. 47-0.
5. Upon graduation, I hereby regret not attending enough plays, basketball games, and stints in the library. I also lament not “rickrolling” #everybody, in addition to passing up that evolution class. However, I blame the latter on the futility of our requirements. This reminds me: let’s drop a lab requirement.
6. As it stands, scheduling is painful thanks to the vicious cycle of seniors filling the non-major labs. This is why creationist boy could not be properly indoctrinated with evolution. However, if we dropped a lab science and required courses like evolution, I might worship Darwin. Newsflash: Graduation matters far more than what we actually take.
7. We also need to drop the requirement for our sanity. As someone once remarked, it is counter-productive that the college expects us to graduate from this institution in four years, yet to do so on time means taking courses elsewhere.
8. Break contract with Bon Appetit and demand a swipe plan, because our current system is ridiculous. One can literally miss a full week of meals, and the next be denied meals if he eats one too many. This is ignoring where our meal money goes when we don’t eat: Bon Appetit supposedly collects money only when we eat.
9. With a swipe system, we could negotiate with Arni’s and develop a Wabash Meal, containing a seven-inch personal pizza, small drink, and two breadsticks. You know, applying the free market to the food culture? While we’re at it, coffee at 1832 Brew would be a “half swipe,” also adding basic groceries to the bookstore. I hear this is normal for other campuses
10. Given the obvious differences, DePauw’s independent living facilities are far nicer than ours. Yes, yes, I know the lecture: independent alumni do not give. But how awesome would it be, though, to turn the Island lot next to FIJI into apartments? Drywall Martindale? Give us Doctor Who fans BBC America?
11. C&T is far superior to EQ, and the C&T debates were nauseating. I say this primarily because my BS detector nearly exploded listening to the students.
12. It should be a graduation requirement to be tested over These Fleeting Years. That way, my cynicism towards the C&T debates would be contextualized. To quote Ecclesiastes 1:9, “[T]here is nothing new under the sun.”
13. FOX59 is the retarded spawn of Satan. They capitalized on our tragedy like over-glorified tabloid reporters, portraying us as backwards cultists while showing no class whatsoever. Come on, you weren’t alone in thinking it.
14. If Wabash is truly better than DePauw, let’s prove it with our facilities. This is why I risk Wabash Heresy by suggesting our weak points.
15. 47-0.
16. Hey, freshman, remember when cigar smoke was blown in your face at Chapel Sing as pungent deer urine fragranced the air? Anatomy books detailing genitals with the smoke? No? Without calling it a sham thanks to a wascally wawyer, I’d say we’ve tamed down way too much since 2007.
17. Can you imagine how envious other schools would be if our Student Senate purchased inflatables for the Mall?
18. EQ should incorporate Forbidden Planet, the best science fiction film of all time, to question the relationship between man and technology. For those losers that haven’t seen it, the 1956 masterpeice stars a young Leslie Neilson—God rest his soul—and showcases the first electronic movie score.
19. The term “fetus” is dehumanizing and encourages murder—like an equivalent “n-word” for babies. However, given “fetus,” isn’t it hypocritical to be charged for double murder when killing pregnant women? George Tiller much?
20. That point was not satirical.
21. I’ve always posited that punching a moral relativist proves moral objectivism.
22. If one accepts the premise that global warming—er, climate change—is caused by man’s actions, the only solution is to destroy man or control his actions. Hence, we should force Planned Parenthood to merge with the EPA, cleansing our atmosphere through forced abortions. Do you smell Pine Sal?
23. That point was satirical. Mostly.
24. I propose a Constitutional Amendment whereby hosting a television show disqualifies one for the POTUSA. That eliminates Donald Trump, Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, and hopefully Newt Gingrich. Even the DailyKo[ok]s would agree to this, if not for Obama’s numerous stints on Oprah.
25. Ron Paul 2012!
26. The only textbook for PSC 111 should be The Federalist Papers.
27. Science ought to worship David Hume instead of Charles Darwin, thanks to evolution and eugenics sparking inbreeding on Darwin’s part. Didn’t they teach that in BIO 101?
28. If “gender” is a construct separate from sex, and we supposedly choose what we claim (not what we are), could this not be extended to race?
29. When losing an argument with a Danny, remember the magic words: Dan Quayle. No, seriously, it shuts them up every time.
30. The Lew should not count under said swipe system.
31. Casino Night > National Act. Think about it: We pay pretty women in little black dresses to help us win prizes. And there’s less cleanup.
32. When punched by a feminist, is it sexist not to hit her back harder?
33. If God does not exist, my creationist views are epistemologically equal to an evolutionist’s, considering “truth” is a meaningless construct. Let’s get drunk.
34. It’s late at night. Our internet is fast. Your door is locked. Everyone knows what you are doing.
35. If Al Gore’s Tennessee mansion—one of his many homes, mind you—did not hog more power per month than average homes per year, I might take him seriously. However, greenists are only serious when they live a minimalistic lifestyle—without electricity. Hence, the Amish should rule the GR$$N movement.
36. Do water-type Pokémon ever get thirsty? Mind you, my B.A. will be in Philosophy, and my fellow majors are shaking their heads in embarrassment.
37. Dissent may be the highest form of patriotism, but asking the “co-ed” question at Wabash is ridiculously offensive. Considering nobody dares question the integrity of all-female schools, such conjectures are sexist and hateful towards men. Now give me fifty dollars reparation.
38. It is beyond me why academics go out of their way to say “his or her” to sound intelligent. Just say “their” for pragmatic and aesthetic purposes: “his or her” sounds moronic.
39. I. Hate. Political correctness. It literally retards language and thought, which is doubly insulting since it is emotionally based. Insofar as it forces us to create a new perception of reality—like Newspeak—it will destroy us. How, you ask? If it is “illogical” to raise certain questions, we’ll be damned to solve them.
40. Back to Casino Night, isn’t prostitution illegal? We pay them to pleasure us with prizes, right? It is sexist at a bare minimum.
41. If morality is relative, literally everything is good. Like raping children. To claim absolutely otherwise is to assert something objective, and hence commit contradiction. However, a precondition for moral relativism is the suspension of logic, so this point is irrelevant to start.
42. The BBC reported the collapse of WTC Building 7 an astounding twenty minutes before it actually occurred. The only conspiracy is time travel.
43. I purposely wrote my first Phoenix article to be horrible so that every article afterward would be an improvement. I’m thankful no one read it.
44. The modern UFO phenomenon can be explained biblically through the Nephilim of Genesis 6. When read in context the Deluge was on account of genetics. Look it up.
45. Since you won’t, remember how UFO abductions consistently feature so-called aliens wanting to mate with women? These Nephilim were the offspring of women and fallen angels. Google “Chuck Missler Nephilim”.
46. 47-0.
47. Plans post-Wabash: Pay off student loans. Overcome my vasovagal syncope condition. Catch all original 150 Pokémon. Marry a supermodel. Or Taylor Swift. Write the textbook on Plato’s Timaeus—i.e., my senior research. Destroy political correctness. Have four children, and pray one of them graduates from Wabash College.

1/2. If you were to translate every point of this article into another language, preferably leftist, and tape it to the doors of the Chapel, this would be dubbed “Current’s 95 Theses”. (Newspeak: Phoenix doubleplusbad doortape.)

Related posts:

• Anger and Money: Last Semester to the Senior Gift Campaign
• Reflecting on Natural Law – Last Phoenix of the Fall Semester
• Co-ed Never: Reflections on the Core of Wabash Traditions
• Strength from Struggle and Sweat: Reflections on a Tough Semester
• A Senior’s Final Thoughts: Reflections on Wabash